Dear Chara: What Men Wish Women Knew About Pressure, Performance, and Pride

Dear Chara, I’m a husband who loves his wife, but sometimes I feel like I can’t win. If I’m tired, I’m accused of not wanting her. If I’m passionate, I’m told I only want sex. There’s pressure to perform, provide, protect — and still please. I’m exhausted. Why don’t women see that men carry stress too?

Dear Good Man Feeling the Weight,

First off — thank you for speaking up. Many men feel exactly what you just described but suffer in silence because they don’t feel safe admitting vulnerability. What you’re feeling isn’t weakness; its human capacity reaching its limit. Here are some things I want to share for you to consider.

• Pressure without permission creates distance. Men need space to breathe and process, not just produce. A pause isn’t rejection — it’s recharging. It is OK for you to take some time for yourself. Selfcare is not just for women, men need outlets just as much as women. Finding a safe, healthy outlet could be beneficial for you. Just make sure you have a conversation with your wife about it so she's not left in the dark. It's not getting her permission; it's showing consideration and love to keep trust flowing. 

• Performance anxiety is real. Cultural messages say a man’s value equals his output. Healthy intimacy starts when wives see sex as connection, not a scorecard. As you age, performance is affected. That is normal. There are tools that can help with performance so that anxiety doesn't ruin performance. Another way to deal with performance anxiety is to incorporate games to keep the mood light. When one or both of you are concerned about performance, the mood gets tense. Anxiety is real, but it can be overcome. 

• Pride can be protection. When a man shuts down, he’s often guarding the part of him that feels not enough. A little grace and encouragement go further than criticism. Sometimes you may have to encourage yourself to help yourself. It's great when others encourage us, but it most beneficial when we can encourage ourselves. Speak to yourself and affirm yourself in these areas. You know you are doing what you can and that you are great, tell yourself so that your body will respond. 

• Women can help by creating safe spaces. Some women don't know that their methods are not as effective as they hoped. There is usually good intend but poor execution. I want you to try explaining to her the impact of her words. If needed, do this with a coach or counselor. She can get help with learning how to say what she wants to say, and when to say things to help create safe places for you. But be patient, please, because if she hasn't been taught this, then she doesn't know she's causing damage.

• Men can help by communicating sooner. You don’t have to be a superhero. Honesty before burnout saves marriages and mental health. 

Some women do understand these things but there are a lot who do not. A good healthy dose of counseling or coaching can be beneficial to you both so that she is hearing and learning what she needs to learn to make adjustments and that you feel safe with share without criticism or condemnation.

I just want to close with - I'm very proud of you for speaking up. Please know you are showing real strength and that says a lot. When both husband and wife see each other as humans first, not roles to perform, intimacy finally feels like home. 💪🏾

I will be keeping you and your marriage in my prayers. 

~Ask Chara~