Dear Chara, My Spouse's Family Doesn't Like Me, What Should I Do?

Dear Chara: My spouse’s family doesn’t like me and it’s tearing us apart. I don’t want him in the middle, but I can’t keep being disrespected. What should I do? ~Frustrated With Family

Dear Frustrated With Family,

This is a tough but common issue. Most people believe that when you marry, you don’t just marry the person — you also gain their family. While in theory that sounds good and it can be true, it's not always the case. Then, when tension rises, it can feel like you're fighting for your place in their heart and your home. My short answer is they don't need to like you, and you can accept it and enjoy your life with your spouse. You can allow your spouse the freedom to visit them without you when it works for you and your spouse. Do not punish your spouse and do not allow it to divide your marriage. However, here are some points I want you to consider:

• Your marriage comes first. Genesis 2:24 reminds us that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. That doesn’t mean abandoning family — but it does mean protecting the unity of the marriage. 

• Disrespect must be addressed — by your spouse. It's not your job to fix the family; it’s your husband's job to lovingly set boundaries. A simple, firm message like, “I love my family, but I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting my wife,” can change the atmosphere. And if it doesn't change anything, that is OK too. God knows how to send you the family He knows will embrace and love you both. 

• Don’t return evil for evil. Romans 12:17 says not to repay anyone evil for evil. Responding in bitterness, sarcasm, or defensiveness (as tempting as it may be) only adds fuel. Stay gracious, but firm.

• Have the hard conversations. With your husband, say something like:
  “I’m not trying to divide you from your family. I want peace. But I need to feel protected and honored in our marriage. Can we work on how we approach this together?” If this works, great. But if it doesn't, don't force the issue. 

• Protect your peace. If visits with in-laws are toxic, it’s okay to limit exposure — not as punishment, but as protection for your mental and marital well-being.

You can and should allow your spouse time with his family without you, if you don't feel comfortable. You have him all the time, they only get bits and pieces, here and there. You will want to keep you heart free from unforgiveness, bitterness, malice, and wrath, also from control. Don't try to control the situation, and don't try to control him. Keep it before God and allow God to move and make things work. If it doesn't happen, accept it because you cannot change it. 

Final Thoughts:
You can be a woman of honor and still protect your heart. God sees your effort to be peaceable — and He will give you the wisdom, grace, and strength to walk this out without losing yourself or your marriage in the process.

Blessings and love to you! ~Chara A. Taylor, Hot & Holy Love Coach