Dear Chara, My Husband is So Mean, What Should I Do?

Dear Chara: I love my husband, but he’s so mean to me and doesn’t seem to care that I’m hurting. What should I do? I don’t want to leave him. ~Hurt & Confused

Dear Hurt & Confused,
First, I want to honor your heart — it’s clear you’re committed to your marriage and deeply desire emotional connection. That matters. And your pain matters too. Second, please know that you are not alone. Many wives find themselves in your same situation. Thank you for sharing with me. Here are some things I want you to consider. 

• Mean behavior is not love. Ephesians 5:25 says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church — with gentleness, sacrifice, and grace. Harshness, criticism, or emotional coldness are not God's design.

• Loving him doesn’t mean enabling dysfunction. You can love him and set boundaries. In fact, boundaries are a form of love — for both of you. They say, “I care about our connection enough to protect what’s healthy.”

• Don’t internalize his meanness. Often when a spouse acts distant or unkind, it’s more about their internal struggles than your worth. You are not too much. You are not a burden. You are not invisible to God.

• Communicate honestly and clearly. Say what you need with strength and kindness:
  “I feel hurt by the way you speak to me sometimes. I want us to work on our communication, because I love you and I want our marriage to be a place of peace for both of us.”

• Consider counseling — for you and your marriage. Whether or not he joins you, seek wise, faith-based counsel to process your emotions and build strength. Emotional neglect or verbal harm needs healing, not hiding.

A real truth that can be hard to face is often times we are expecting godly characteristics from people who are not godly, people who don't honor God, and who don't live for God. I am not saying this is your case. However, I want you to consider some things when you are praying and asking God to stop him from being so mean. Some people are so far removed from God that they will never hear nor understand your hearts cry nor the words you speak. When you are praying, ask God to speak to his heart, save him, and to draw him closer to Him (God). If he is close to God, then more than likely, his ways, his character, his words, his behaviors will line up with God's ways. No, he will never be perfect, but his heart can soften and change. Pray for him with his relationship with Christ first. Then, you will begin to reap the benefits. 

Final Thoughts:
God sees you, my friend. He cares about your tears and your desire to love well. You’re not weak for staying — and you’re not rebellious for speaking up. Marriage is meant to reflect Christ’s love — and it’s okay to ask for more of that kind of love in your home. We can't force anyone to see our worth, but we must see the worth in ourselves. 

Blessings and love! ~ Chara Taylor, Hot & Holy Love Coach