Dear Chara: How Do I Reignite Intimacy After 15 Years of Marriage? Response...

First of all, please know...you are not alone! Marriage seasons shift, and it's normal to crave a spark reboot. I appreciate your courage to ask. It shows that you have a heart for your marriage, and you love your spouse. 

The simple answer is to incorporate some reconnection habits like having a regular date night (I recommend at home date nights starting off), sending flirty text messages, or sharing some 'remember when' moments. These can jump start the spark, but you may need some real work if there have been challenges in the marriage that have led to heartbreak, trauma, sadness, loss, etc. 

If you are up for the challenge, set up a plan for 90 days of intentionally living in your spouse's world. This means putting all of your focus and attention on their likes, wants, needs, desires. It's an act of service. You will be showing your spouse that you are interested in what interests him/her. This is a way to reignite intimacy. Yes, this means, you will go a season forsaking your personal wants and desires. In most cases, when this happens, the receiving spouse begins to see the efforts and they step in to reciprocate the actions. In rare situations, this can backfire, and the receiving spouse just continues to take without returning the love.  If you try this and the love is not returned, you are free to stop and bless God for the ability to serve. You will have to trust God to reward you for your diligence and efforts. Trust me, God will. He sees all. 

If you try this, you must make sure your heart is in the right place. You cannot do this with manipulation in your heart. You cannot do this and then throw it in their face like "I did this" or "I did that". The goal is to show your spouse your love and affection with no pretense of expecting the same in return. 

The goal is to bring faith and fun together in the marriage because they can and should co-exist. You can ask your spouse what some things are he/she would be interested in doing. Give him/her the freedom to share without judgement. Listen and try to incorporate some of those things. Intimacy is not just what happens in the bedroom. It begins with connection. You want to be connected emotionally and physically. After 15 years, you may want to consider adding some outside accessories to get things exciting again. You can safely add massage oils, date cards, tasty arousal creams, position aids, blindfolds, feathers, or new bedroom outfits. You can try incorporating some fun games like tickle, or light pillow fights, strip rock paper scissors; you get the idea. You can create a new playlist of music together or listen to your songs from your wedding day and reminisce. 

I hope these ideas will spark your creativity. The fire is not out; it just needs a little oxygen! Keep us posted on how it goes. 

Enjoy and congratulations on 15-years of marriage! 

Blessings,

Chara "Your Hot & Holy Hype Woman for Christian Marriages"