Dear Chara: He Prays but Doesn’t Play — How Do I Balance Spiritual Connection with Sexual Chemistry? 12/18/2025

Dear Chara, my husband is a great man of faith. He prays, leads devotion, and loves God — but he treats the bedroom like it’s a battlefield of temptation. I’m trying to honor God, but I also have needs. How do I keep it spiritual and spicy?

Response:

Dear Sanctified but Unsatisfied 

You’re not wrong for wanting both passion and prayer in your marriage — God designed you that way. Many couples in faith circles unintentionally separate spirituality and sexuality, when God actually intended them to dance together. I do want to say, and I am not belittling your concern because it is a serious and valid concern. Continue to bless God that you have a man of faith who shows his faith in action not just in words. Let's consider some things as we unpack your question. 

• Your desire is divine. Genesis 2 celebrates nakedness without shame. Intimacy was God’s idea, not Hollywood’s. You don’t lose holiness when you enjoy your spouse — you express it.

• Teach each other safety. If he was taught that pleasure equals sin, he needs grace to relearn what covenant freedom looks like. Approach gently, not critically.

• Make intimacy part of worship, not competition. You don’t have to trade prayer time for play time — both feed connection when done in love.

• Use humor and honesty. Say, “Babe, God gave us this body of marriage; I think He wants us to use it fully.” Laughter disarms guilt.

• Invite God into the process. Pray together for freedom from shame, then explore ways to connect emotionally and physically. The Spirit is not scandalized by your desire — He’s the author of it.

If your marriage is stable with a solid foundation for communication and conversations, you could have a conversation about it. It could be a great time to ask questions and learn how he's feeling, what he's thinking, or if he's having challenges in this area that he has not shared yet. It could also be a time to share some of your desires and needs for him in this area. If communication or conversations are not healthy and productive in your marriage, do not try to initiate this conversation on your own because it will turn into defensiveness, blame, accusation, offense, and this will lead you into a deeper frustration. 

A hard truth and reality that we all must face is that sex has been a very taboo topic for Christians. I would recommend you both see a sex mentor, coach or counselor. And there are Christian ones available such as me. We have the knowledge and tools to help you and your spouse navigate through this challenge with love and grace. Don't be ashamed of your desire and don't try to contain it, within the covenant of marriage you are free to express and enjoy the gift of sex. Keep praying for him and ask God to help you have the conversation about you both speaking with someone. 

In closing, holiness and heat were never enemies — they’re covenant companions. When a praying couple learns to play again, heaven smiles because love finally looks like what God intended: pure, passionate, and purposeful. I'll be praying for you and your marriage. 

~Ask Chara~